Anyone who takes the internet seriously has high speed internet of some sort now. All other mouth breathing idiots are still on dial-up for some god damned reason. The high-speed revolution has pretty much negated all usefulness of America Online, the bastard stepchild of Compuserve. I still have it because I am a parent, and their filtering tools are very good for keeping sexual predators and emo rock away from your kids. When most people I meet online realise I still use AOL, I am pretty well laughed out of the chatroom or off the forum. I don't use it consistantly, just for the kids. If you'll notice my email goes to Yahoo because now that I have DSL I want to spend as little time as possible at AOL. But I recently discovered a reason for AOL to continue existing, nay a reason to once again reclaim the top spot on the internet in this and all other universes Proto Ogre's badass cellphone might transport us to.

Tom Araya, Kerry King, Jeff Hannenman, and Dave Lombardo-
that's right, motherfuckers-

SLAYER!

The one metal band on earth that never sold out! Anthrax tried to go hard alternative. Megadeth went damn near top 40 and bordered on emo, but have since recovered nicely - I highly recommend "The System Has Failed". Let us not even speak of Metallisuk and their efforts to not only destroy metal, but it's fans as well. Slayer has always been heavy as hell and borderline satanic. Their two weakest albums - "Divine Intervention" and "Diabolus In Musica" - were still not only heavier than what most bands are doing today, but also better. You could still tell it was Slayer even though they were trying something different. And you can't say they sold out on those, either. Another album they did something different on was "South Of Heaven" which is listed by most metal magazines in the top 5 heaviest albums of all time, so shut the fuck up before you even open your mouth. Even their concerts are still Slayer, if not more so. Now they have money and can do some awesome things, such as actually have it rain blood on the stage while they play "Raining Blood"!

"But Incredible Bob, what the fuck does this have to do with not storming AOL's headquarters and demanding all their heads on a silver platter?" you might ask. Well here it is my fuckers - AOL Radio in conjunction with XM Satellite now has Slayer radio - all day, everyday. Slayer. 24/7. I'm listening to it as I write this half-assed excuse for an article. I feel as if the scurge of the emo music Nonzarelli has forced our band to play has been removed from my soul. I no longer feel the need to harm myself while crying about some girl I never dated who wouldn't piss on me if I were on fire - now I want to harm someone else while screaming my hatred of religion at the girl who wouldn't put out my flames with her urine. I no longer want to cover "Killing An Arab" by The Cure. LIfe is good, fuckers. Slayer fucking rules, and my awesomeness is accentuated by the fact I listen to their badass, violence inducing music.

So in honor of Slayer, sign in to AOL Radio and listen to their neck-breaking awesomeness until you feel you're part of the band. AOL is now officially off the "usesless internet providers" list, and has regained an icon on my desktop. Also in honor of 25 years of blazingly fast oppressively heavy metal, shout "SPORT THE WAR!" and "WAR SUPPORT!" at some libs you may be passing by while doing the "sign of the devil". Or scream "On and On, SOUTH OF HEAVEN!" at some retarded bible beater. Better yet, sing the lyrics to "Raining Blood" at some emo just as they're about to slice themselves open.

"RAINING BLOOD!!!! From a lacerated sky" Die emo bitch, die.