Fuckers, I enjoy MySpace to a certain extent. Girls that played with my penis back when I was sexy and had hair look me up after years and years of drug use and prostitution, and old friends from my 2.3 years of high school reconnect with the awesomeness that is me. But sometimes it becomes a seething cesspool of ignorance thanks to the millions and millions of socially inept retards that populate the dominion of Tom. In an earlier article I demolished the habit of posting chain letters as bulletins. Now it's on to another phenomenon that risks ruining this marginally useful social tool for all of us.

The Random Quiz

Almost every profile on MySpace that has been up for more than 3 days has a quiz on it. Hell, I have a quiz. But mine is a semi-entertaining one to see if you stack up to the likes of Batman, The Hulk, or the most useless super hero ever - Aqua Man. Nay, the quizzes I now bring to your attention ask you a question to which common sense should already have told you the answer. They are on profiles and in bulletins. They come up in MySpace searches. And it's shit you should already have the answer to. But since you fuckers seem to be too stupid to either already know, or are so riddled with ADHD that doing a quiz to which you already know the outcome will entertain you, I am now going to list these quizzes one by one and why you are FUCKING RETARDED if you took the quiz anyway.

 

The 'Are You Fat?' Quiz

For this quiz all you need is either a mirror, or if you suffer from one of those conditions that makes you view yourself as muscular and sexy even though you're fat and balding - a fucking scale. Yes, some people have this problem, which is why Maddox still thinks he's a testicularly gifted pirate even though he's just a balding, out of shape Armenian.

 

You don't need a fucking quiz.

 

The 'Are You A Republican Or A Democrat' Quiz

This one is simple. If you believe in low taxes and kicking ass with the military, you're a republican. If you think it's unfair some have more than others and want all American policy decisions to go through the U.N., or if you have ever agreed with anything Rosie O'Donnell or Joy Behar has had to say EVER, you're a democrat.

 

You don't need a fucking quiz.

 

The 'Are You Emo' Quiz

How fucking stupid are you? If you wake up in the morning and turn on some Hawthorne Heights and have a good cry first thing - yes, you're fucking emo. If you have hair like some asshole from Duran Duran even though we're 20 years past the '80s and have mascara on just one eye - yes, you're a god damned emo.

 

You don't need a fucking quiz.

 

The 'Are You Addicted To MySpace' Quiz

My wife is a MySpace whore, so this one is simple. If you spend as much time perusing random asshole's profiles as the average person spends downloading porn - yes, you're addicted. If you look at the same profiles over and over every day for at least 2 hours - yes, you're addicted. Once again,

 

You don't need a fucking quiz.

 

The 'Are You Gay' Quiz

If you actually took this quiz, please go murder yourself in some violent manner RIGHT NOW. If you are a man who can't sleep at night until you've had some other man either shove his cock up your ass or blow a load in your mouth, you're gay. If you're a woman who just can't wait to go down on a fat, nasty bearded clam and dress like a lumberjack in the middle of summer, you're gay. If you think Rosie O'Donnell is either a role model or funny, you're gay.

 

You don't need a fucking quiz.

 

The 'Are You Stupid' Quiz

If you looked at the title to any of these quizzes and said "zomg i has that quiz on my profile lol1111" then yes, you are indeed stupid. If you have even taken one of these quizzes without saving the results, you're stupid. If you reposted my MySpace chain letter titled "I Am Gay" thinking somehow it would make fun of me and not yourself, you are very stupid. And if you read all the way to the end of this article wondering why I didn't link to any of these quizzes so you could take one or two of them, you are fucking retarded.

In that case you definitely don't need a quiz. You need a sponsor for the Special Olympics.