Let's face it - the Atlanta Falcons absolutely sucked the last half of this season. Many speculate that it's Mike Vick's fault and he should be at running back, but this is retarded fantasy. Vick had his best year as a QB in the NFL this season, setting the record for rushing by a quarterback and throwing more touchdowns with less interceptions than any other season in his 6 year career. No, the Falcons' problems run deeper than that. They have the talent. They need a coach.

You simply can't leave your defense on the field for three quarters of a game and win - it just doesn't work. The offense has to score points. Atlanta had a shitload of dropped passes this season, which also can't be blamed on a lack of talent as they have 3 first round draft picks at wide receiver and one of the best tight ends in pro football. You have to be a sorry coach when you make Alge Crumpler drop passes. But after reading a recent article by another list member, I think I have the answer for Atlanta - Kirk.

"Holy crap, Bob - are you on crack?" No my fuckers, I'm deadly serious. I honestly think Kirk's shark-catching talents (described here) can be easily translated to the sport of American football. Canada has a pro football league, and Kirk isn't some old codger who can't change with the speed of the game. I think his ability to misspell even the simplest of words could even work in his favor as a coach by confusing opposing defenses and the broadcasters. Here's an example:

Kirk calls for the offense to set up in spread option. It's a bout-leg (we would call it a boot-leg, but you know how wierd Canucks say 'about') to the left, with the receivers running posts to the right and the tight end crossing left. Vick calls for the ball, and quickly bouts out to the left and yells "Distraction!" as the defensive lineman gets in his face:

Remember - yelling "Distraction!" is a key part of the play, as it freezes the linebackers and forces the defensive linemen to look around in complete stupification searching for the distraction. This leaves the tight end wide open, and Vick has all day to throw the football.

The defense is completely dumbfounded and knows it. Kirk could easily coach the Falcons back into playoff contention, and after getting him the job will probably hire me as his assistant head coach. I would then hire the Ultimate Warrior to coach my linemen and linebackers. Providing he doesn't make them paint their faces and wear circulation-robbing tasseled armbands, we would have the most devestating defense in all of football. And the backs and receivers coach - "Mr. Perfect" Curt Hennig, the only man who ever caught his own pass for a 87 yard touchdown.

Too bad he's dead. His corpse would still be a better coach than Jim Mora was.