Being awesome is not as easy to accomplish as you
might think. Sure anyone can turn on George Bush and say you don't
want more troops in Iraq exactly 13 minutes after saying we need more
troops in Iraq, but that doesn't make you awesome - it makes you a
chickenshit moron. You could download Maddox's site and change all
the titles to make it the "Millionth Best Page In The Universe"
and write slightly lame articles that elicit a snicker once in a while,
but that only makes you Prophet an unimaginative ripoff artist.
No, it takes originality to be awesome. It takes a backbone, an
imagination, and an absolute disregard of random people around you
being offended or injured by your antics. Yes fuckers, I have achieved
total awesomeness. From building a site that in no way copies Maddox
to playing in a badass rock band, I fucking rule. Now you can too
with "The Incredible Bob's Guide to Total Awesomeness".
Here's how you get started (print this out and carry it with you
at all times if necessary, so you can turn any situation into an
awesome one):
1. Ride a fat bitch in a wheelchair down a hill
items needed -
fat bitch, wheelchair, steep hill at least a quarter mile in length,
heavy traffic
actions - Take the fat bitch to a steep
hill with lots of traffic, give a good push and jump on back. Make
sure to warn her attempting to use the brakes will cause a massive
wreck - tie her hands if you believe she may be dumb enough to try
the brakes. Yell all the way down like you're on a roller coaster
to help hide her screams.
awesomeness points - 100 if you follow
all directions, 150 if you send me a pic of you doing this, 0 if
it's a guy in the wheelchair - that's homo-erotic male bonding.
2. Do a "General Lee" style jump in a foreign compact
car
items needed -
steep incline with sudden drop (ala railroad crossing) or cavernous
gorge, shitty foreign compact car - preferably from the early '80s,
passengers to terrify/impress
actions - Find a suitable jumping area,
grab some friends and jump in. Hit the ramp/incline at @ 60mph to
get the proper air. Be sure not to do this in a front wheel drive
- you'll land on the nose and die in a fiery Japanese subcompact.
Becoming teriyaki human is not awesome.
awesomeness points - 100 for making
a successful jump you drive away from, 150 for sending me a pic,
75 if you cheat and do it in an american muscle car. 0 points for
becoming teriyaki human.
3. Throw a dumbass from the hood of your car into another car
items needed - car,
dumb friend trying to impress a girl, large parking lot
actions - Hang out in a parking lot
with your dumb friend. Wait for him to notice a hot girl exiting
one of the stores, and offer to take him over to the girl - on the
hood. Once this dumbass is on your hood, make your move. Hit the
gas, accelerating to around 45 mph. After this moron's shirt flaps
open and covers your windshield - and subsequently your vision -
start humming the theme from "Jackass", count to five,
then slam on the brakes. If you have executed this properly, your
dumb friend will face plant into the side of the SUV that was taking
evasive action to avoid a head-on collision. Don't worry. Morons
not only like leaving their shirts open, they are incredibly hard
to kill.
awesomeness points - 100 if you pull
this off successfully (your dumb friend walks away), 150 if you
send me a pic/video, 0 points if you kill/injure your friend - you
didn't do it right if this happens. Grab a different dumb friend
and try again.
4. Play in a killer rock band
items needed -
instrument of choice, other musicians who tolerate you, groupies,
drugs/alcohol
actions - Find some people that vaguely
like the same music you do. A guitarist who likes Slayer and a drummer
into Lawrence Welk won't make a good rock band. Start playing at
clubs, birthday parties, and bar mitzvahs. If you have a female
in the band, sleep with her - this automatically gets you 100 bonus
points, 200 if you are a female as well. Record a CD, get laid,
then quit the band over "musical differences".
awesomeness points - 100 for doing
it all exactly, 150 for sending me a free copy of your CD, 200 points
if the band offers you more money to come back. Don't forget the
bonus points. 0 points for being emo or playing Dave Matthews covers.
-75 points for playing bass.
5. Chokeslam someone in a fight [update]
items needed -
anger rage or other appropriate bad feelings, surge of adrenalin,
mortal enemy, strong pimp hand
actions - Get in a fight with someone
who really makes you mad. It's best to let this anger simmer over
a few weeks - it helps with the necessary adrenalin surge. When
the physical confrontation finally begins, take a few blows to help
fuel your rage. Then go for the throat. Lift your opponent over
your head with your pimp hand, and slam them forcefully to the ground.
It is okay to use the other hand for balance, and also to continue
choking them once they're down.
awesomness points - 100 for a successful
chokeslam, 150 for posting it on YouTube. -1 million points if you
do this to a woman. You only get points for that if it's self defense.
Otherwise, you deserve to be anally impaled by your new cell mate.
6. Win custody of your kids and child support (men only)
items needed -
crackhead bitch-ass ex, one or more kids, courtroom, sleazy lawyer,
her mom (this is not a necessity, but her courtroom outbursts are
certain to make your case easier and more entertaining), spine
actions - Take your ex to court over
the kids. Show up with a lawyer from TV or at least one with a billboard
(they're not that expensive), her police record, and your backbone.
If you have any kind of a spine, you will intimidate her into giving
you the kids before you ever enter the courtroom by threatening
to use her record in court. Then demand child support. You will
be a hero to men everywhere who have been anally raped by the current
"mom is best" system, and more importantly a hero to your
kids. And nothing is more awesome than that.
aweswomeness points - 100 for doing
it like this, 150 for sending me a transcript of you pwning her
in court. 0 points for agreeing to joint custody. -100 points for
breaking down in court and begging her to take you back.
You may think this is all shit I dreamed up in my twisted head.
But I can assure you, I have accomplished all these feats of awesomeness
and more. After the statute of limitation runs out on the rest,
I will add those to the tutorial. Then your skills of awesomeness
will be complete. If you have proof of you being awesome, email
it to me or send me the link. I may add it to the tutorial if it's
Bob-worthy. So take what's here and practice until you can confidently
say you are awesome in every situation.
Or you could just join the Rantlister Forum and post enough to
earn those little bomb thingys.
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being awesome