I know you're probably as sick of that walking venereal epidemic that is Paris Hilton as I am, but I really have to get some things off my chest. Every time you tried to catch a glimpse of the news this week, you were bombarded with the reports - Paris Hilton finally goes to the clink, how is she going to survive not sleeping on silk, 800 news choppers focusing in on her 45 acre 5 bedroom 4 bath 'detention facility'... I could go on forever. Meanwhile we have Turkey trying to invade Iraq and proof Iran is funding the Taliban against us. But let's all make sure to focus on what's important.

As a non-celebrity who has gone to jail a few times, this situation really hacks me off. As an angry fat bearded man who despises stupidity, I have reached my boiling point. Just who do these motherfuckers think they are? Let's start with the center point of the case, Miss STD America herself.

From the start of this ordeal, Paris Hilton has gotten away with bullshit crimes you and I would have spent serious coin on and done time for. First of all she assaults and harasses an event promoter and earns herself a restraining order. Nothing unordinary about that. Then she gets pulled over driving under the influence - here's where it starts to get good. Her license is suspended, she's ordered to pay a $1500.00 fine, and put on 36 months of probation. Now the suspension I'm fine with, but probation? You or I would have been looking at jail time with a possible suspended sentence dependant on the requirement we take drivers education courses! Yeah, the fine is about the same as we would pay in court costs and for the classes, but $1500 in L. A. - and especially to the poster child for penicillin - is a drop in a fucking bucket.

Just a few scant days after being reprimanded for her behavior, she is pulled over for driving on a suspended license. First of all, I don't see any cops anywhere pulling motorists over just to see if their license is good. She had to have been doing something they decide to let her go on. Then, all she has to do is sign a statement acknowledging she wasn't supposed to be driving. Seriously, what the fuck!? You, me, anyone would have spent the weekend in the pokey (unless you are lucky enough to remember your phone numbers to call someone to bail you out - but that's another story) awaiting a hearing, and then we ARE going to do some time or pay a FAT FUCKING FINE! Next time I choke slam a bitch, I'll get the officer to just let me sign a piece of paper acknowledging I know I shouldn't be choking bitches out.

Barely a month later she gets busted driving on a suspended license - again - and this time she's doing 70 in a 35 - at night - with her headlights off. At this point I'm sure this bitch would have to be riding around with O. J. Simpson in a blood splattered white Bronco clutching Sanjaya's severed head in the gaping maw of her vagina while she manipulated the steering wheel with a samurai sword and doing 128 miles an hour in a school zone to see any actual concern from the L. A. county police, because yet again she was not taken into custody. Okay cops, let me spell it out for you:

She has a recent DUI on her record
Her license is suspended
This is her second offence driving on said suspended license
She was driving twice the legal speed limit
All this has occurred in the space of 2 months
Take the bitch to jail already!

But no, the skank who has never met a disease she didn't have stays free while her probation officer and the district attorney finally have to step in. To his credit, the judge finally sentences her to some jail time. To his discredit, it's only 45 weak ass days in a 'reserved wing' of a minimum security facility, and she doesn't have to go straight to jail. You, me - do not pass go, do not collect $200. She has the option of reporting on a set date or risk doubling her sentence. Risk? The word alone implies it might not happen, which gives her more free reign to thumb her nose at the American justice system. She appeals to The Governator for a parole. ???? For a fucking 45 day sentence to what is essentially a hotel? Like any badass man who has held someone over a cliff by his ankles and then dropped them, he ignored her.

Now, "Paris Hilton Prison Countdown" begins. More proof of how dumb the media thinks we all are. Since when is Century Regional Detention Facility, an all female jail in Lynwood, a fucking prison? There's a gigantic difference between a jail and a prison. Namely the amount of times you are raped daily by a member of the same sex, and the likelihood of being soap-shanked in the shower simply for being you. Then we see the reports of how awful the conditions at the jail are. The sheets are only 40 thread count. The toothpaste is made in China, and may contain ingredients that would upset her bacterial meningitis. Never mind all the other inmates are using this shit and have been for years. It's okay for the general populace but not poor, poor Paris. Let me give you media pricks a little hint -

That's why they call it JAIL! It's not SUPPOSED to be pleasant!

The entire idea is to keep you from wanting to ever go back! We're then deluged with her out on her last pre-prison (god damn I hate the media) shopping trip, where she buys a copy of the Bible. And then we're treated to statements of her "counting on her faith" to get her through. Here's a newsflash for ya, media fucktards - if she had any faith, she wouldn't just now be buying a copy of the Bible. The only entity she holds faith in is penicillin.

After only serving three days of a 45 day sentence which was probably only going to be 23 with good behavior - which would include her not infecting the other inmates - she was fitted with an ankle monitor, and reassigned to house arrest due to an 'undisclosed medical problem'. I personally believe it's the fact you can't be within 50 yards of her without catching the mutant strain of airborne gonorrhea developed by her blood stream and they didn't want the jail to look like a scene from 'The Stand', but official reasons are she was approaching a nervous breakdown. And you know what the best reason for her breakdown was? 'Unflattering lighting'. Next time I have to go to Club Russell County for the weekend I'll demand to be let out due to the 'unflattering lighting'. Then I'll do my best to keep my composure while the guards laugh at me while I'm being ass-raped.

Here's the elitist sack of petulance that made the decision to release her - in contempt of court - to house arrest, L. A. County Sheriff Lee Baca. He obviously thinks his job is not to enforce the law, but to ensure celebrities achieve maximum press exposure over their legal troubles. His statement about her early release, especially given all the facts of this case and her behavior listed above - literally nauseates me.

"My message to those who don't like celebrities is that punishing
celebrities more than the average American is not justice."

What fucking sector of the galaxy that is Michael Moore's ass did you fall out of? 'Average Americans' would never have received the kind of kid glove treatment this rotten puss filled party whore has. It is her celebrity status that she and you use to place her above us, let her off the hook over and over, and then defend using a different brand of justice. No shitstick, justice would have been her being ordered into DUI classes for 4 months at $100 a pop. Justice would have been her spending the weekend in jail for driving on her suspended license, not signing a statement acknowledging 'it was bad to do it tee hee hee'. Justice would have been her showing up for court in a loose fitting sack-cloth white outfit with black stripes, and marching back to jail immediately after sentencing. Hell, this is the bitch that ruined Lindsay Lohan - for that alone she deserves some kind of punishment.

At least the judge in this case has given me a little hope there is still some semblance of justice on the left coast. He ordered her back to court the following day, and even though her lawyer tried to have her appear over the phone, the judge wasn't down for that shit and sent a deputy to bring her to the courthouse in cuffs. Hell yeah! He then sent her skank ass back to 'prison' to do the full 45 days (barring good behavior and any new infections) and reprimanded that dumb ass sheriff. Average Americans win again!

Ooooohh, are dose scwatchy cold handcuffs chafing your dewicate wittle wists? Too bad. It's not supposed to be pleasant. That's why it's called jail, bitch.